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Her Experience: Discovering A Non-Sexual Nature

A 37-year-old woman: I have not once loved sex. As a child, I thought defective as society put it on a pedestal.”

The only issue that Cameron and I have disagreed on is our sex life. After meeting in our late twenties, sex was clearly something he sought more often than I wanted. Following six months of dating, we chose to experiment with an open arrangement so that he could seek out partners who are more sexual than I am.

Initially, there were feelings of jealousy at first, but our bond was reinforced thanks to our strong communication, and I came to feel really secure in our love. It became a great benefit for us, because I never craved sex. In my younger years, I felt broken as society at large emphasized its importance, but I never fully understood the appeal about it.

When I stumbled across a book about asexuality on social media in 2021, it was an eye-opener. I was shocked, because previously I thought of myself as a someone with desire – I enjoy self-pleasure, and I’d had a considerable number of sex during my twenties. But I believe I had much of that intimacy since I felt guilty – a remnant of my youth in a society that implies you have to satisfy your partner.

What the book helped me understand was that being asexual is a broad spectrum. To illustrate, I experience no libido, even for people who I find very aesthetically pleasing. I appreciate their appearance, but I have no desire to be intimate with them. But I do like having orgasms. In my view, it’s fun and it provides relief – a way to settle all the thoughts upstairs.

It was incredibly liberating to share with my partner that I am asexual. He accepts it. We sometimes engage in intimacy, since I experience intense intimacy as well as emotional unity when we do, and I am making the conscious decision when I feel the need to bond with him in that way. It’s not that I have a libido, but there exist alternative purposes to engage sexually, like seeking connection. I see his pleasure, and that gives me pleasure. In the same way that an individual who is sexual can decide to refrain from sex, I can opt to be physical for alternative motivations than being turned on.

Cameron's Perspective: Romance Outside of Physical Intimacy

Cameron, 36: “Just because sex isn’t the focus doesn’t mean that romance isn’t.”

Physical intimacy was once extremely significant to me. It was the source from which I got plenty of my confidence. I was unwell and in the hospital a lot as a teenager, so intimacy became something that I thought offered mastery regarding my physique. This began to shift significantly upon getting to know my partner, as sex was no longer the central focus for us.

Alongside her, I began seeing greater worth in different aspects of my identity, and it shifted focus away from sex. I don’t want to be intimate outside our relationship anymore. If I ever feel the urge for intimacy, I have other ways I can manage it. Self-pleasure is one, but it can also be taking a hike, thinking about my thoughts or engaging in art.

After Sarah realized her identity, I came to see that intimacy is primarily about emotional connection. This can occur via physical intimacy, but also through alternative ways that are equally worthy and gratifying. I had a set understanding of this identity – without sexual activity, you never have sexual feelings. But it’s a spectrum, and it needs exploration to figure out your position on it.

Our relationship has lasted for almost a decade, and the fact that intimacy isn’t central does not imply that romance isn’t. Setting aside dedicated moments for connection is crucial for our relationship. Sometimes we work on complex building kits and assemble them in small portions every morning, which feels deeply bonding. Sometimes we enjoy a special night and go out for a mocktail and a pizza. We cuddle and set goals ahead, which is a form of care. I get great joy from cooking for other people, and I feel really happy like an satisfied state.

This aspect has enlarged the understanding of what our relationship means. It’s like limiting the options available to you for your relationship – it forces you to find new ways with what you have. It encourages you to consider in different ways. But it didn’t diminish the bond that I experience for my partner whatsoever.